I'm a Perfectionist! :s

Don't know if this is a good or a bad thing, but I recently posted this discussion on my Twitter. I found out that I'm a strict perfectionist, and that's the reason why I go into those episodes of always feeling that I'm not good enough or when something goes wrong, I blame myself, accusing myself of being stupid, inferior, and unworthy. It's just something that I really need to put a check on.

I always used to think that I'd never strive to be a perfectionist, but it's coming out one way or the other. This type of thinking not only manifests itself in my art, but also my thoughts throughout life in general.

I even took a test to see if it was true or not, and it states my perfectionism is on a scale of 69/100, which may not seem bad, but I feel that its higher in the sense that I'm always a downer about my work and other stuff.

The test explained this:

"Perfectionism can be a healthy quality that drives a person to try his/her best and to make the effort to excel. Some people, however, take the strive for perfection too far...and there is a price to pay. Extreme perfectionists are forever dissatisfied; they can never fulfill their own expectations so, in their own eyes, they are always failures. Chronic perfectionism is driven by deep-seated feelings of inferiority and self-hate, and by nature it reinforces a negative self-image. Performing tasks or fulfilling goals becomes intimidating and unpleasant, since the perfectionist knows deep down that the finished product will never meet his/her expectations. So the perfectionist might have problems with procrastination. Perfectionism, then, can become a double-edged sword - the perfectionist is driven by a desire to succeed, as well as a fear of failure which leaves him/her paralyzed. 

In all realms, striving for excellence can be beneficial and lead to a fulfilling professional and personal life. Accepting nothing less than excellence, on the other hand, can be emotionally scarring."

I think my level falls near the "chronic category". I do tend to procrastinate for this reason, always feeling my output will never reach the desired goal. 

The test results explained this afterwards:

"According to this test, you have some perfectionist tendencies that may be making you unnecessarily unhappy. You sometimes set high standards that are difficult to meet; either you impose those expectations on yourself, others, or a combination of the two. You may even think that others expect you to be perfect. While a desire to do your very best and strive to reach your full potential can bring you personal fulfillment, you have to learn when good is 'good enough'. It's important that you strengthen your ability to distinguish between reasonable aspirations and unrealistic demands. When you set unattainable objectives, you are being cruel to yourself and denying yourself the rewards and self-acceptance that you deserve."

I guess I need to work towards canning these feelings. I thought it was just something wrong with me, but I'm glad I'm finding the reason of my sporadic episodes of guilt, blame, and total unworth. 

This is not a sad post, as I'm glad I found the method to my madness, and will work on correcting it now. :)