I'm a Perfectionist! :s

Don't know if this is a good or a bad thing, but I recently posted this discussion on my Twitter. I found out that I'm a strict perfectionist, and that's the reason why I go into those episodes of always feeling that I'm not good enough or when something goes wrong, I blame myself, accusing myself of being stupid, inferior, and unworthy. It's just something that I really need to put a check on.

I always used to think that I'd never strive to be a perfectionist, but it's coming out one way or the other. This type of thinking not only manifests itself in my art, but also my thoughts throughout life in general.

I even took a test to see if it was true or not, and it states my perfectionism is on a scale of 69/100, which may not seem bad, but I feel that its higher in the sense that I'm always a downer about my work and other stuff.

The test explained this:

"Perfectionism can be a healthy quality that drives a person to try his/her best and to make the effort to excel. Some people, however, take the strive for perfection too far...and there is a price to pay. Extreme perfectionists are forever dissatisfied; they can never fulfill their own expectations so, in their own eyes, they are always failures. Chronic perfectionism is driven by deep-seated feelings of inferiority and self-hate, and by nature it reinforces a negative self-image. Performing tasks or fulfilling goals becomes intimidating and unpleasant, since the perfectionist knows deep down that the finished product will never meet his/her expectations. So the perfectionist might have problems with procrastination. Perfectionism, then, can become a double-edged sword - the perfectionist is driven by a desire to succeed, as well as a fear of failure which leaves him/her paralyzed. 

In all realms, striving for excellence can be beneficial and lead to a fulfilling professional and personal life. Accepting nothing less than excellence, on the other hand, can be emotionally scarring."

I think my level falls near the "chronic category". I do tend to procrastinate for this reason, always feeling my output will never reach the desired goal. 

The test results explained this afterwards:

"According to this test, you have some perfectionist tendencies that may be making you unnecessarily unhappy. You sometimes set high standards that are difficult to meet; either you impose those expectations on yourself, others, or a combination of the two. You may even think that others expect you to be perfect. While a desire to do your very best and strive to reach your full potential can bring you personal fulfillment, you have to learn when good is 'good enough'. It's important that you strengthen your ability to distinguish between reasonable aspirations and unrealistic demands. When you set unattainable objectives, you are being cruel to yourself and denying yourself the rewards and self-acceptance that you deserve."

I guess I need to work towards canning these feelings. I thought it was just something wrong with me, but I'm glad I'm finding the reason of my sporadic episodes of guilt, blame, and total unworth. 

This is not a sad post, as I'm glad I found the method to my madness, and will work on correcting it now. :)

A Link to the Past...

But this has nothing to do with Zelda. -____-

I figure I put some older stuff I found on my old computer. Nothing too special, just a filler post.

This is just a WIP of the Brave Fencer Musashi piece I did a couple of years back. I figure it was interesting to show this because I was totally heading in a different direction at the beginning of the piece. It also shows my horrible composition skills at the time. (I'm still not all that impressed with my current composition skills, but hey, I'm still learning. :) )  Since this was my first outing on doing everything completely digital, it was also a handicap for me as well, as laying out on computer is totally different than pencil and paper. But all in all, it was a milestone for me, and I still like the piece- despite it's horrible composition. XD

That's all for today. Just a look-in-the-past-and-realize-how-much-more-you-sucked-back-then-compared-to-how-much-you-suck-today post. ^___^

Stay frosty, folks! 

I Know I Got The Talent, so...

...why can't I get anywhere?

I turned 24 today, and I was just thinking... it seems like I'm wasting so much time. Yeah I'm young but, time is time. :|

Maybe because I probably can never find time to make a portfolio for a pitch. I'm always drawing things for everyone else (i.e. commissions and clientele) and can never find time to put my own resume-stuff together. And it sucks because I know I can do most of the staff that people in the industry does, but I'm always stuck drawing one-pieced characters, nothing elaborate that can drive my portfolio, no time for drawing a sequential excerpt, etc.

And the biggest thing that sucks is that I can't afford to work on that stuff. I need commissions to help me keep bread on the table. The Job market (part-time, even) is just getting straight nasty out there, and it's not helping that my regular job is kinda hinting at the "ok, so we keep taking days off your schedule; get up and leave already" mentality.

I know this is hurting me, when my gallery is comprised of the same rinse-and-repeat thing on almost every single piece. I have no time and at the end of the day, energy, to work towards putting together a solid portfolio. This is why I never get my hopes up anymore with anything.

There just has to be something that can change soon. :(

Just when you think you got it down...

...You don't.

Well, that's the typical scenario for learning artists; you never really can get something down, even if you at first believe you did. I, too, fall under that category.

Everyone may dig my work and all, but essentially, I'm an amateur. I'm still learning, still grasping new concepts, ideas, and fundamentals. I do take what I learn seriously, always applying and taking it to action. However, one may become so used to doing things a lot, that things can end up becoming dull, bland, and blunt. Think of it like a sword; you can be a skilled swordsman, but if you don't take it to the blacksmith every now and then, your strikes won't do NEARLY as much damage as a nice sharp one. That's how I feel.

Earlier today, I ran across something that made me realize I need to hit the "blacksmith" up. It was an older work I was hired to do, and I, in turn, subconsciously didn't make the connection of what I needed to correct that the client expressed concern about. Long story shortened, I now realize what his concern was. Why did I pass it off? Beats me, but maybe because I was swinging that "blunt sword". I was caught up in the thought of owning a "sword" rather than keeping it "sharp".

I'm speaking figuratively because it's the best way I can show how I feel about this. It also brings humility into play.

I can say, "I see myself as a humble guy", but what is humility if you're 'labeling' yourself as humble? That's kinda contradictory to me. In my head, that's what I believe. Because after every piece of work I do, and I mean EVERY, I always catch a flaw. ALWAYS. Which makes sense because no piece is perfect; though in my head, seeing that flaw always humbles me.

Well again, with this incident, I guess my mind was ignoring that flaw, and it started to feel a bit high and mighty. It just shows how easy it is to get caught up with a proud persona. I'm not talking 'bout "Man, I'm proud of myself on how I did this one"; rather, the pride that no one likes, a la "I think it looks fine" amidst a heavy rain of critique.

I don't know where I'm really going with this, but all I think I'm saying is that I let myself slip, yet again. Everything's a trial-and-error thing, but also a live-and-learn thing. Just keep moving on, I suppose.

Rats and Crap

Hey folks!

It's been a few days since I posted something on the blog, this past week has been horrendously busy. I'm on another job hunt because I have to find something else because my hours have been cut again. Sorry to say that, but that's actually what's going on. Gotta bring that bread to the table. As long as I stay optimistic enough, I think I shall be fine.

Man do I got some upcoming stuff in the works! Collabs, prints, and all other type of good things to come. :) It shall be a good year, I reck'.

Yes, indeedy, Rat Rage is full speed ahead! ^That's my lil' Japanese mock-up logo, I just couldn't help myself. XD

I'm glad to say that production for Rat Rage is finally starting. I'm going to try and give myself a page-a-day quota so I can have something to show. It will be a 200+ pg. Original Graphic Novel, may I remind you. To build up some hype again, I recently did a print featuring Rai and Nini escaping danger. I will do a few more prints for this year, just to have solely as a hype builder and original content.

Here's a few process shots for the print.

1. Thumbnail Sketch

2. Lineart

3. Lineart Cleaned

4. Rai and Nini flatted and toned; BG buildup

5. Everything flatted, toned, and BG almost complete

6. Finishing touches, atmosphere effects, and textures applied.

I would also like to re-remind people that the way this is colored will be in the same manner as how the book will look! 

Other than that, Rob out!

It's very hard...

I can draw dudes too.... Can I?

Something's been buggin' me for a while.

I'm always commissioned female characters. Like, 95% of inquiries are females. Not that I'm hating on that, I DO need the money. But it sucks that I can't get any type of play when I draw dudes. Am I really known as a "chic artist"?

Really, it's not something of a big deal, but I'm going to go on a strict "drawing dude" regimen.

No sketches today. But just a thought.

Rob!